5/6/25
checking in
one entire day of rain would heal me. this week it’s either been short, passing storms or just wet. i need an umbrella day. a rain dancing on the rooftop day. a splash in puddles on the sidewalk day. a thunder rolling throughout the sky and rumbling in my chest day.
i’m craving a cleansing.
the month of april was fraught with fires i fought to put out. i wanted flowers. instead, i got flames. i have been working to erase my memories of one particular prick so this sundae toppings has taken me a long time to be mentally ready for: having to think about every good thing, every joy, every win outside of him. it’s a good exercise but it’s definitely been a doozy.
here are my highlights for april.
sundae toppings
a generation of writers
saying goodbye to my local library writing group hit me very hard. i can get attached to people so easily and, naturally, sharing our work with each other accelerates closeness. on my last meeting, the group organizer let me read 4 pieces. and the entire group gifted me with so much encouragement, support, and validation that this is what i should be investing in more than anything else. i don’t know how i can fully thank them or repay them for that. i’m just going to get published and send them copies, write them a thank you note on the first page. the serendipity of sitting in a room of legends: educators, protestors, allies, and receiving feedback and firm nudges to keep going came to me at a really pivotal time. on days when i struggle to write for myself, i write for them.
this generation of women
the dating landscape is bleak. the political landscape is a graveyard for the marginalized. the world is burning, hungry, wounded. community is gatekept behind a paywall or religion. and all of us have mommy and daddy and abandonment and oldest daughter and second gen immigrant and deeply-embedded trauma response issues. my girlfriends are my lighthouse, the crashing waves, and the boat tied next to me. there are no better conversations, no better arms to be in or tear wipers, no better pep talks or hype, no better inspiration or healers or motivators, no better laughs or joys than everything i get from them. it’s girlhood and sisterhood and allyship and community. i pity the men who don’t honor women. women are everything the earth needs.
spiritbox
courtney is our lord and savior and with the help of loathe this was easily the best show of the year for me so far.
flowers
zee sent me a pic of tulips, caitie brought me carnations the day after my breakup ( i’m drying them ), caitie and i went for walkies thru the neighborhood rose garden and smelled each kind of rose in bloom, the bluebonnets came back and i didn’t get any pictures of them, like always ( despite being a native texan, i’ve never taken a pic w the bluebonnets whoops ). i didn’t get the flowers i wanted, but i learned that the flowers i have are far more valuable.
lessons learned
how to better enforce my boundaries, that i am a magnet for avoidants, that i am a mirror and when someone enters my energy they are either safe to be themselves or challenged to live more authentically, that i already have everything i need, that i need to trust the universe and believe that everything is working out for me as it's meant to, that i truly genuinely deeply loathe and despise men, that i have healed in so many ways and still have so much more work to do, that healing is never complete, that i really am rare and special and even though it’s become increasingly lonely it is still an optimal way of being, that i am not ready to rehabilitate and entertain romantic relationships, that i have already found so much of my chosen family, that sometimes all you really need is a good friend, that sometimes all you really need is to be a good friend to yourself.
dinner parties
my friend hosted a homemade dinner + margs at her place one weekend and my heart swelled all night. women are magic: creating a home space, creating a meal, creating a gathering, creating connections. the girls curled up on the couch and caught up on our adventures and the boys were being silly— healthy masculinity at its finest. it felt like a holiday. i got to laugh so hard, we couldn’t stop and we couldn’t breathe. our bellies were full. for a small infinity of time, it was a halcyon night. all i ever really want is to live a life where i look forward to regularly being in a room full of everyone i love and basking in their light. like a cat laying in a sun puddle.
a revelation
i can’t help, when these wholesome moments happen, wishing for someone to show everyone / everything off to. take them around my life like a museum, say, look at what i’ve made. i’ve kept waiting for someone who wants to witness me and be a part of everything i built and collected and clawed for myself. someone to be proud of me. someone who wants to stay by my side. i’ve kept the daydream of them in a vice grip. clutched in my fist— this hope. the longing is like a knife in my side. i’m learning to cauterize this ache with gratitude. i’m also learning nothing can really substitute unconditional romantic love, or the kind of healing that comes with it.
sprite
saying goodbye to sprite really hurt. they were my neighborhood kindred spirit. i’ll think of them and miss them big. they taught me a lot about being alone, being sufficient, being delicate, being resilient, being wild and unbroken. they also taught me that not everything i want can be mine or is meant for me. i hope they live out all of their nine lives as contented and fulfilled as possible.
see ya, dallas
i moved to dallas from austin in 2015, escaping a hometown of trauma and pain. leaving fake friends and toxic relationships as a college dropout and baby culinary professional to live with my childhood best friend, like we always dreamed as kids we would. in 2016-2017, i traveled for work throughout various parts of the south— so it was no surprise i was desperate to come back to dallas by the end of it. i went through a few friend groups, a formative romantic relationship, several shitty situationships, a pandemic and quarantine, multiple suicidal episodes, both of my cats leaving earthside, my first solo apartments, my second new car, my becoming from my twenties to my thirties. throughout all of those experiences there was new trauma and new healing and, naturally, it became time to see a future for myself beyond dallas, beyond texas, where i can continue this next era of my life.
i’m sad to have outgrown my homebase, where i worked very hard to start my new career outside of restaurants, find my chosen family, and fight to survive suicide. leaving dallas is just part of building a life for myself i can be proud of and look forward to. i’m so sad to leave my friends there, and the communities i nurtured. but it feels very very good to finally have a place where i can say lovingly i will be back— because even if dallas isn’t my home for now, i always have a home to go back to in the friends that i love. and— as someone who was always simultaneously running away from a broken home and constantly searching for a forever one— that’s easily one of my greatest accomplishments.
a final note
i’m such a sap. i’m sorry. i hate being deep. i hate the endless pit of empathy and eyes for detail that cause me to both revel and rot. i’m doing the best i can. i’m being very well-loved and learning to love myself well, too. april was a month for revelation, whether it was a shedding of skin or uncovering deception, i’ve learned a lot. i’m wishing for rain. i’m wishing for the supercell in my heart to soften. i’m wishing you had a deeply moving april as well and, if not, maybe in may.
thank you for spending time reading what’s been on my heart and mind <3
later,
₍ ᐢ. ̫ .⑅ᐢ ₎
bunny
a p r i l ( mmxxv )
